Dick Cheney, Meet the Constitution.

Seriously? Every day that passes brings something that takes me closer to the brink of total insanity.

Dick Cheney announced recently that, because his office is not part of the executive branch of government, the laws that apply to the executive branch don't apply to him. Uh, you know, when I was in high school, I didn't take advanced U.S. History; I couldn't fit it into my schedule between A.P Chem and Calculus. I took regular ol' U.S. History with the dumb kids and the fuckups and the slackers. We read every single goddamn word of the U.S. Constitution in that class, and if you asked anybody from that class who wasn't stoned at the time, I imagine they could answer in a multiple choice question which branch Cheney was elected to. (Probably not open-ended, this was high school.)

Even though Article II, Section I of the constitution says this:

"The executive Power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America. He shall hold his Office during the Term of four Years, and, together with the Vice President, chosen for the same Term, be elected . . . "

Cheney believes that his job falls under both branches because Article I, Section III says this:

"The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no Vote, unless they be equally divided."

Yes, okay, Dick, you preside over the Senate. But you don't have a stupid vote! How can you consider yourself to be part of the lawmaking process without a vote? You only get to be the decider in the Senate if there's a gridlock; otherwise, I'm sure that the Senate is more than happy to tell you to go fuck yourself.

(Can I just interject here and say that this "fourth branch" idea is really tickling me? Not because I don't think it's not utterly fucking ridiculous, but that they seem to have based Cheney's entire right to secrecy on a Taco Bell marketing plan--the Fourthbranch, cheesy melty crunchy and spicy!)

So why is Cheney jumping over to the judicial branch to interpret the Constitution? (My God, now he spans THREE branches!) Because he wants to keep stuff secret from Americans. What kind of stuff? I don't know, it's a secret. I do know that one of his aides is currently being prosecuted for perjury and obstruction, and another one was convicted of more of the same in 2006. Could Cheney be far behind? God, let's hope not; he and W have gotten away with far too much for far too long. That is a great explanation for the secrecy, though--he's probably trying to prolong being put in jail as long as possible. By the way, this doesn't look suspicious at all, Dick. My aides keep getting arrested, so I'm going to hide all of my papers as being 'confidential' and make up a really fucking stupid excuse for why I don't have to show them. That doesn't have guilt written all over it, no sir.

Someone do me a favor and send this asshole to prison where he belongs.